Weight and Boys and Stuff @ Tuesday, May. 25, 2004

Head. Ache.

Last night I did some thinking. I've got to get more sleep and take better care of myself (which I know I've said a million times). For one thing I've got to stop worshipping the snooze button and get up with enough time to eat breakfast. I'd eat less at lunch that way.

A couple of years ago, I went to my doctor, tired of the extra weight I was carrying and she gave me a diet to follow. Not a fad diet but a real, healthy diet that's easy to follow because it's full of things I actually like. I lost ten or fifteen pounds on it but eventually lost interest.

A lot of it just has to do with eating less and taking time to prepare healthy meals. No more instant mac and cheese.

I've got to dig that diet out.

I'm not completely unhappy with my looks but my summer clothes are a little snug and I really don't want to go out and buy the next size up.

And god forbid anyone sees me naked.

I forget what that's like, to feel comfortable, naked, with someone. With Big it was almost an instant comfort - the first time we really had sex was in the morning with the light shining in. I never felt unattractive or inadequate with him.

But now...not so much, I think.

I don't want to be naked with anyone right now. I just have no interest in rounding that base. I dreamed about kissing the Boy last night and I remember that his chest was bare...but that was it.

And my mind tells me his face was merely a surrogate face for someone else because the lips and the chest were too familiar for lips I've only kissed once and a chest I've never seen.

Last night the 'going to the cabin for the weekend' was broached. I think he'd like to go this weekend but we've known each other for such a short period of time. Sure, nothing has to happen just because we're spending a couple of nights together...and you know, there was a time not so long ago when I wouldn't have trusted myself but now I think I do.

I've lived here for seven months and have been with one man. That's unlike me but I'm damned proud of myself.

Sigh. That's all. Sigh.