[ emily’s sushi bar ]

Periods, Body Issues and General Lonliness @ Monday, Jan. 12, 2004

Oh, it gets so lonely When you're walking And the streets are full of strangers All the news of home you red Just gives you the blues

Work is done, the hair cut is out of the way...I'm sitting here smoking a much desired cigarette and drinking a thoroughly chilled cosmo from one of my snazzy martini glasses. Crate and Barrel and my parents rock.

This past weekend was good and absolutely horrible. Good because Mom came up to take me shopping. My boss gave me a $100 mall certificate and the 'rents gave me another hundred. It was horrible because Mom came up to take me shopping. The malls are full of either old lady clothes or clothes for girls who are approximately a size four. Oh sure, they may have it my size but it makes everyone who looks at me aware of my size which is not particularly oversized but certainly not a size four.

Just wanted to see how many times I could use the word, "size."

To top it off, it was the first day of my period so I was bloated and more than a bit emotional. At one point I almost gave up and with tears in my voice said, "We've got to stop soon. Not because I'm physically unable to shop but because I can't take it anymore emotionally."

I know I said I was going to be happier but but what the hell is a journal for?

At lunch I finally confessed how unhappy I really was. I think my exact words were, "I fucking hate it here." I don't often say "fuck" in front of my mother but when you save it, it really means something. I knew everyone I worked with in Dayton would forget about me once I got up here. Sure, they love what I can do for them in the office and my cheery disposition but forget that I might be up for a drink on a Saturday night. I voiced it a bit last week, told a few of them that I wasn't very happy about having moved here.

Perhaps it's because I didn't stay until 6:30 every Tuesday to go out after Call Out Night and they think I'm not interested. I'm sure that's not why but they make me feel like a leper.

I'm fun, dammit. I can laugh and flirt and drink with the best of them.

I'm not going to make the cell phone rounds every weekend to find out what was going on. That got old quick. Once in awhile I'd like someone to call me.

So anyway, we left the mall - cash in hand since I'd bought a purse (Nine West for twelve bucks, can't beat that) and went to Marshall's where I found several skirts and tops. I even got three summer skirts for a mere three dollars a piece.

That lifted my spirits somewhat butI didn't feel pretty all day. You know how it is when you're ragging and trying on clothes...your hair goes flat and all of your make up rubs off. To top it off, my nose was beginning to break out. I have had herpes strain 1 since I was in junior high. They only recently diagnosed it correctly and when the pills they gave me when I'd break out didn't work I went to a dermatologist. "How could I have possibly gotten this? I've had it since junior high!" The doctor told me that I probably got it when someone with a cold sore kissed my nose or snuggled me as a baby and I carried it for years. I remember my grandmother having cold sores all the time. I'd love to tell her what I have and how I got it. She's not very nice sometimes.

They put me on Valtrex - which I'm supposed to take daily - but the thirty dollars the prescription costs is not really in my budget so I take it when I feel a breakout coming on. I didn't catch it early enough this time. It's not as bad as it used to get pre-Valtrex but I feel leper-ish.

So anyway, I have wonderful new clothes to go with my nose. I got lots of compliments today on my skirt and sweater (which is really damned cute) and that should have made me feel better but it didn't.

I want someone special to compliment me when I get home. Someone to meet me at Brian's for happy hour, perhaps, kiss me and tell me how pretty I look.

And I still what that special someone to be a certain someone, dammit.