Date # 2: Good Times with Some Awkwardness and General Apprehension @ Thursday, May. 13, 2004

I must say that, when I looked in the mirror this evening just before I walked out the door to meet The Boy...I was completely pleased with what I saw.

I used my mall gift certificate to buy a girly summer blouse today and made a pair of earrings to match. My make up turned out good and my toes were freshly painted a tomato red which looked fabulous with my sandals. I even decided go out on a limb and part my hair in the opposite direction because hair dressers are always telling me that that's the natural way it wants to part. I hate to say it but I think they're right. Anyway, overall, I was very pleased.

I parked several blocks away but it was a beautiful evening and though my shoes hurt a bit...the walk felt good. Several years ago a woman stopped me in a parking lot as I was getting into my car and complimented the way I carried myself with such confidence. It's so rare for a stranger to offer up such a...personal compliment but it's one of the best compliments I've ever received. I lost that confidence some time ago but feel it creeping back. Slowly.

He brought lottery tickets, picked up with the pack of smokes he stopped ofr on the way (to Betty's of course - my favorite place for a dinner date) and we scratched them off after dinner. One of my cards won him two dollars but he refused to take it. So I'll cash it in and buy two more tickets for the next time we get together.

That's something that comes up often. What we'll do "next time" or whatever. He says lots of odd future stuff - g/f b/f stuff, you know...and that doesn't exactly bother me but....

The only thing about the date that bothered me was the check...he asked, "So what do you want to do about the check?" when it came and I'd like to think it was a test of sorts because he immediately followed that with an offer to pick it up. I smiled and thanked him and offered to pick it up next time (you know, when I actually have money). He said that that wasn't was he was fishing for but it made me really uncomfortable and I thought about it for the rest of the night. In fact, I was so uncomfortable that I was immediately ready to leave. As I've said before, I'm not one to depend on the kindness of men but that was somewhat awkward. I mean, I would have gladly swiped it up and risked the bounced check but he offered to pick it up so quickly...it was just weird.

And I'll obsess over it for days. In fact, had that not happened, I probably would have washed my face, brushed my teeth and immediately went to bed but I logged on here instead as if I needed to get it off my chest or something.

After we left, he offered to drive me to my car and then decided to drive me down High St. to find this bead store I've been wanting to check out so that I'd know where it was. We missed it the first time by and ended up touring the campus with him pointing out various things. That was nice seeing as how I'm still so unfamiliar with the city I live in.

Earlier he had talked about how he could drive a stick shift with one hand and, as we drove down High, he took my hand and said that he'd like to prove that he actually could manage to drive with one hand otherwise occupied. That was kind of cute. I kind of wanted to kiss him goodnight and he kind of wanted to walk me to my car across the street so perhaps this would be more likely to happen...but neither event took place.

Oddly enough, I'm just not ready for that. That first kiss - 'cause it really does mean something in this case. This guy actually likes me - it's not some casual thing. Sometimes, even though I look forward to talking to him and seeing him and all...part of me realizes I was pretty happy without a man in my life even though I know it didn't seem like it here. I'm not ready to be responsible for someone else's feelings or even their time...I realize now, at this very moment, that it's okay to veg on my couch and watch a movie alone on a Saturday night.

I don't know.

And I thought of Big tonight in a sharp, odd way, out of no where. We hadn't even passed the sushi place (because sushi always reminds me of him and I curse the day I gave up sushichick)...he just entered my mind. I don't mean to get all angsty or anything but I just had the urge to pick up the phone and call him to say, "I miss you, baby." Just like that.

Obviously, I'm not over him yet (and won't be for some time). Or perhaps The Boy is not the one to help me get over him. I'm not saying that he couldn't be eventually. He's just not that person right now.

Why is it I can't just let the wish I made on that star the other night come true? Why can't I just let myself be happy? In all fairness, I shouldn't attempt to be happy with someone else when I'm just not ready but - when?