A Step Backwards @ Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003

I should have never spent my lunch hour alone. Not when I've fought off depression all morning.

My brain is on overload. Thinking about everything. Thinking about Big and how he made a mess of my heart even though I had it so carefully saran wrapped there on my sleeve. Thinking about where I live now and what the means. I'm a small fish in a big pond. Gone are the places where I'm known. Where I'm 'cute' and 'quirky.'

Where I'm the one they always want to have around. Now I'm in a town full of strangers, full of cute college girls. Here I feel alone. The girl whose hair is too short, whose clothes don't ever seem to fit her just right or whose clothes just don't fit in.

First thing this morning, Tim asked what was wrong with me. All I had said was, "Your ride with is here." Nothing's wrong, I said, you're paranoid. Big used to be good at that, too, sensing my dark moods as they came drifting in.

I can't get Big out of my head. Everything reminds me of him, my future without him or his future with Her. Even stupid commercials on the radio. My apartment, though he's never been there, reminds me of him. How we sat on that couch, made love on that bed, how his hands have touched this....Moving, running away didn't help. He's like a tick buried in my skin.

I'm a mess. On the verge of tears and hiding it so well.