Call Me If You Need Anything @ Sunday, Oct. 05, 2003

I had take out from my favorite Chinese place last night. I was all excited, knowing that it would probably be the last time...but it was actually very lonely.

Carry out for one. Sad. It brought back memories of three different dishes, two appetizers and lots of egg rolls - all carried home in a greasy brown paper bag and eaten while sitting on the floor in front of the television. Eating until we were stuffed then pushing our plates away and rising to cuddle on the couch.

I digress.

My mom just called. She wanted to ask if I wanted her to take tomorrow off to help me move. I really would like to have here there but feel guilty. She's been on vacation all week anyway. It would really be worth it if she could come up there and stay for a bit to help me unpack the kitchen or something but I basically have to pay the movers, lock the doors and drive to work. There are a couple of things that have to be done, unfortunately, and they can only be done by me.

This whole move thing has really been a pain. Especially since the apartment place never called me back so I'm not 100% sure the place will even be ready when I get there tomorrow afternoon.

I have so many little things to do and so little drive to do it with. And my allergies are suffocating me. I've learned just how allergic I am to my cats. I know a lot of it has to do with all of the dust I'm stirring up but I have to say that I had no allergies when I stayed up in Tim's cat-free apartment.

But I love the little furry things and couldn't part with them.

Friday night I went to my first hockey game. Tim had an extra ticket and was going to take my boss' husband but Amber - who secretly knew what was going or not going on between Tim and I last week - suggested that he take me. She didn't give up until he had called me. He thought I was going home and coming back Saturday night but I had already decided to flip flop that.

We met Amber and her boyfriend at a bar down by the arena. Tim drank a lot. A lot. Six shots of Jack...within an hour or two...and several beers. He's a rock star. I've never seen anyone drink like he does. Oh, he got chatty and confessional later - after another shot - but never slurry or weavy. Or pukey for that matter.

Then we walked over to the game. It was fun but we lost. I at least have a small understanding of the game now, though.

Tim and I went back to the bar. He immediately ordered one last shot and more beer. I should mention that he doesn't drink like this often or anything. I drove so it was his opportunity to relax. Anyway, we met this couple who asked if Tim and I were married. I laughed, "Tim, that's twice I've been asked that in as many nights." He leaned over and told the guy, "Yeah, and the last guy who asked her that started hitting on her as soon as he found out we weren't married."

A little jealousy is good.

Anyway, here's where Tim got a little confessional. We stood over by ourselves and he started telling me how happy he was to have me here and how happy everyone was to have me in the office. And then he got serious and started to explain that I didn't get the job just because he likes me or because Meredith likes me but because I deserve it. And he did that drunken thing where he just kept repeating it adamantly as if I didn't believe him, shushing me when I tried to thank him.

Then he said something that really shocked me. Something along the lines of, "You were abused by Mike [my old boss], you were abused by Big...you deserve to be happy." Abused by Big?

Of course, in a sense, it was abuse but to hear it so matter of factly from someone else...to hear the anger in his voice....

I started to cry. Just a little turning down of the corners of the mouth and a welling of tears but if I had escaped for a few minutes I would have been sobbing and crying buckets.

I wish I could remember all that was said. I'm not even sure if he remembers.

We didn't stay long after that. I was hungry, he was drunk, I was tipsy, and there was talk of sex. I don't know why I ever mentioned sex. Sex and drinking do not go well together for me. Plus I'm on this new birth control and am so stressed out...my libido has taken a vacation.

We ate and then spent at least an hour talking in the living room. He pulled me to him as we stood up to go to bed (which he had carefully made up with all of the blankets on my side because he likes to be cold but knows I chill easily) and after a second I pulled away. It was awkward. I was uncomfortable because I had put on my glasses already and my nose was beginning to break out which happens when I stress out...I didn't feel like a girl who wanted to be touched that way. I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I regret it. I apologized twice before I left but still wish I had handled it differently. Sure, we were both drunk but we both suck at instigating anything. He's a gentleman and I'm shy. So here he was, trying to hold me, to instigate even just cuddling and I walk away. "You're running away from me," he said. I laughed and said something about wanting to get under the covers because I was cold.

He's a guy. He probably hasn't even thought about it since then.

Anyway, I showered and got ready to go. "You'll be back tomorrow?" he asked. "No, I'll be in Dayton. I'm moving on Monday." He was surprised and, I hope, a little disappointed. He walked me out, we kissed - cheek kisses - and hugged and talked about how much fun it was and he told me to call him so he'd know I made it home.

I cried a bit on the way home. I cried because he compared the way Mike treated me to the way Big treated me. Because he used the words "Big" and "abused" in the same sentence. Because I don't know when Tim and I will spend this kind of time together again. Because I'd miss sleeping with him and just being with him.

I called him when I got home. We chatted. "Go take a nap," he said, "and call me if you need anything."

I love that. Call me if you need anything. That feels good.