Defeat @ Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004

While searching my purses for some allergy medicine that I've misplaced (dammit) I came across a disturbing e-mail that I wish I had never printed. Why did I print it? There must have been a reason.

It's dated September 17th...9:42 AM California time.

"I had a vasectomy almost two years ago. I have been tested sterile twice."

And there are three more pages of hurtful communcation. Confused responses from me...ashamed that I was pregnant not by Big but by Tim. Ashamed that I lied about seeing him. Angry responses from Big for the same reasons. The last response from him says, "You must really think I'm stupid. I assure you I am not. In the end it was impossible for me to overlook your lies and the feeling that you would lie again. I never lied to you. You never asked me if I was sterile. We talked about a future that could have happened. The important fact now is that I am currently sterile and was sterile for the duration of our relationship. A documented fact. I think you need to have a conversation with Tim or perhaps someone else that i did not know about. You can call me on the mobile in 10 minutes if you want to talk one last time per my commitment."

He closes with, "In regards to timing [I received his e-mail just as I got back from getting a positive pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood]. You know that you have a direct line of communcation to my wife through your diary. I have not been reading your diary. I am trying to get one with my life. You drove this communication by using your diary as a tool of destruction."

The conversation ten minutes later was not as heated. At least that's how I remember it. He asked if Tim would make a good father, what he was going to think about my news.

But the words in that e-mail are still painful. I dropped the pages and started crying. Again.

When is this going to go away? Why did things have to get so bad? Why couldn't he have walked away rather than leading me on...thinking that, towards the end, he was going to leave her? Why did he ever give me his business card to begin with? Why didn't I walk away the night that he told me he was seperated, not divorced?

If I were to find his other e-mails, the love letters, I would read about an entirely different man. Who is this man who called my diary a "tool of destruction"?

A man who had no idea just what a tool of destruction this diary could be.

Then my phone rang. Dad. And he was cranky for some reason. Not the moment I needed to hear a cranky voice. I'm supposed to drive to Dayton today. He leaves for China and Japan in two weeks and I wanted to visit before he left. I don't want to. I don't want to go out in six degree weather to load up my car with my Chirstmas boxes for them to store for me, drive an hour with my mind ticking away, and pretend to be cheery when I really want to lay down on the couch with a book and ignore everything today. And to top it off, I'm supposed to visit with Debbie and Leo tonight as well. Something I really don't want to do.

I hate mood swings and PMS and the past year of my life. The horrible ending of my relationship with Big makes all of the happy memories we had seem Just Not Worth It.