Digressing @ Monday, Nov. 24, 2003

I had all intentions of going out for a beer or two this evening so I called New Guy, got his machine, didn't leave a message and went to take a shower. The shower felt so good and it's so freaking cold outside that I put on sweats and decided to spend some time smoking cigarettes in front of the computer instead.

Yesterday I walked outside with no jacket and a long sleeve shirt on. Today it snowed. I swear, the weather's so crazy that I'm beginning to think it's the end of the world in Ohio.

Work was only vaguely awkward. His "Good Morning, Emily" was a bit too boisterous for a Monday and his question of, "how are things going" later in the day seemed a bit loaded, a bit like "are we okay" but other than that it was all right.

The only really odd moment was when Tim and I were trying to figure out when something happened at work a few months ago and I realized it was the night that I told him I might be pregnant. When I told him that it would be his if I was and he didn't seem to get it.

You see, it couldn't have been Big's because he had had a vasectomy and never told me.

I don't know if I ever clarified what happened...I was pregnant but had a miscarriage. Found that out standing outside of our kick off, smoking a cigarette before I went to sign my lease and commit to moving to Columbus. Why it happened, or rather why it didn't happen, I don't know because I'm too afraid to schedule a consultation with my gyno...I don't want to know right now. I don't want to know that there might be something wrong with me, that I damaged myself back when I made a stupid mistake at age nineteen, that I may never be able to bear children.

And I dread that questionnaire thing that patients have to fill out where they ask you how many times you've been pregnant, how many miscarriages you've had and how many children you have.

Whew, I didn't mean to go into that at all and apologize if I've already mentioned all of that....