Make Me Feel Like a Girl Again @ Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004

Today I told Tim I missed him and, oddly enough, I meant it.

I don't know what it was...he came in this morning and asked me for something and, for the first time in a long time, he didn't get on my nerves. As I flipped through a stack of papers for the memo he wanted, he put his arm around me and I leaned my head against him and it felt good.

Later he called to ask me for yet another favor and mentioned that he still owes me a happy hour. Unfortunately, he wants me to give him a call on whatever day I feel like going out to see if it's convenient for him. That's like setting myself up for rejection or something even though it's just two friends going out for a few drinks...it gets under my skin and I can't explain it. So I told him to pick a day and plan on it. Next week, of course, he's too busy this week. Most likely he'll be busy next week as well. You'll have that.

Anyway, while we were on the phone I said, "I miss you Tim (insert last name here)." Amber, who was using the computer beside me, laughed because I'm sure it came out fake and she was probably remembering the conversation we had about him at lunch in which I discovered that he is indeed single again.

But that's not why I miss him or why I want to spend time with him again. He somewhat helped me through the post-Big mess...or rather, through the midst of my Big mess. I was pregnant with his child for a very brief moment. Sure, he's annoying most of the time but he knows when I'm in a bad mood and attempts to cheer me up (which is part of the reason why he's so freaking annoying but it's still sweet). I don't know how to explain our relationship or what he means to me. I've never loved someone so much and yet hated them so much at the same time. Perhaps "hate" is too strong of a word but sometimes, when he lies about work (there's so much in our brief past that I've never really went into) or whines I can't stand him. That's not the man I fell for (albeit in my time of need).

Plus I'm sure it's partly because I'm so desperately man-less. Although, I'm not man-less in the usual sense of the word. I don't want to have sex with him...I don't even want to date him. I just want him to be a man with me, to me...I want him hug me, to put his big man hands on my skin and make me feel like a girl again. All of these first dates with men who are inferior (yes, I said inferior)...they don't make me feel feminine at all. Hell, I paid one one of the dates....I want to feel like a girl, not awkward, but breezy and cute.

"You're so cute," he said to me one night, while we were dating. I remember where we were and how good it felt to look up at someone, smile, and hear those words. I don't have to be beautiful in someone's eyes...I'll settle for cute right now. Cute is good.

Yeah, so there you go. I miss Tim.