A Therapeutic Letter Unsent @ Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004

Dear Big,

Today, as I was checking my e-mail, I was drawn to the folder marked, 'Love Letters.' I haven't perused the contents of that folder in a long time and now remember why.

I felt physically ill as I read over those e-mails; remembering how things were this time last year. We were both obsessive, madly in love and unafraid to show it. I miss that, I miss you, so much that it hurts...clich�d as that phrase may be it's the only one that fits. I hurt even as I type these words.

On May 17th it will have been one year since you found Sushi Chick, one year since the beginning of the end.

A few days later you told me you were going back to your wife. After that, I never trusted you again. Even though you eventually led me to believe that we would be together in the end, I don't think I ever believed you.

Writing about Tim last night got me to thinking about that. Why would I have ever gotten involved with him if I truly believed that, in time, you and I would be together?

This isn't the letter I meant to write. Not at all.

But those times, this time last year, they were good weren't they? Even the times after were good. I've never loved someone so much, felt so in sync with someone...right now I feel as if I'll never find that again and the memory of it gets in the way. I can say that I'll always love you - perhaps not with the obsessive passion that we shared but I'll always love you. I'll be sixty and hear Norah Jones on an oldies station and think of you.

I don't know where you are or what you're doing but I was just overwhelmed and had to put it in words.

I miss you.

Love,

Emily