Naked Eggs @ Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004

He made eggs and English muffins and we ate, commenting that this was the second time we'd seen each other in the daylight and, oddly enough, both times we were eating.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked, as we prepared to leave.

"Nothing - you and I will go on as if nothing happened. I don't like that but that's they way it'll be."

"It won't get weird?" he asked.

We both swore it wouldn't get weird. He kissed me and we walked out the door. "God," he said, as we walked down the steps, "you are so great to sleep with, such a good cuddler."

That night means so much to me. That night and the following Wednesday where he, again, said he loved sleeping with me, loved taking a shower with me, loved making eggs for me.

* * *

Can I just say that I am SO confused? This is insane! First of all, Ken wanted me to come home with him but no. Then Craig, Leo and I sat around and talked about him and Debbie. Then Rich showed up and wanted me to go home with him, kissed me...but I said no! Then, Craig and I left (together, yay) and he said, "I'll walk you to your car" but my car was right there so he says, "I'll walk you to my car - it's more secluded. Then I'll drive you back."

So we get in the car, kiss for awhile, talk about how glad we are that it wasn't weird. Then it got weird. But weird in a good way. He said how much he loved sleeping with me and how much he loved making breakfast for me. I told him that it was a little strange that he got into the shower with me and he laughed, "We'd just had sex, Emily, we couldn't get any closer than that." And the whole time he's holding my hand, rubbing it - just so comfortable. I told him we could have that again but he said Linda wouldn't be very happy - not that she would ever know. And I told him I would sleep with him in order to have SOMETHING and he said he couldn't do that to me, "You're not a consolation prize, you're worth much more than that."

* * *

I've always kept a journal...only, up until a year or two ago, it was always on paper. Filled with handwritten scribbles and more elaborate typed out entries, glued or taped in, photos, clippings, a ribbon from a rose a guy gave me on a first date, movie and theatre tickets....I'm thinking more and more about moving back to a paper journal where I can say things I can't say here.

Granted, that particular journal is a bit tainted because Big discovered it on my bookshelf and read every word while I was out and confessed a few days later over beers in Yellow Springs. But I still love it. I love flipping through it every now and again...it's so complete. From July 25, 1999 to March 5, 2000 - every word, every person, every event that was important to me - it's all there. The craziest time of my life - filled with men for every finger and every toe and angst and heartbreak and entries like the former, which I titled, "Naked Eggs."

"Nake Eggs" is about Craig and the first night we ever slept together.

I found out last Thursday that Craig and Lisa broke up. Debbie and I fixed them up long after Craig and I had whatever it was we had. He liked her, she was single...they were both fun. She point blank asked me, before they started dating but when she was contemplating it, "Did you fuck him?" and then laughed, embarrassed for being so blunt.

I told her the truth and she never forgot it.

That's not why they broke up, of course. She says she never loved him the way she should have and you can't fault someone for that. I do fault her for feeling this way since the first of the year and taking so long to say it out loud. They've lived together for nearly the duration of their relationship...I think he moved in within a few months...but he only recently gave up his apartment. Maybe that freaked her out, I don't know, but he's got until the end of the month to move out.

Debbie and I went to "her" house Sunday night for beers and both of us were surprised to see his car out front. We had been told that he was in PA for the weekend but there it was. And when we came inside, Lisa's son told us he wasn't sure where Craig and Lisa were which was incredibly awkward. To make matters worse, Lisa came upstairs, make up-less, flushed and in only a towel, hugged us and said Craig was downstairs. When we went downstairs, we found out he was in the shower.

Much awkwardness. Turns out he had just gotten back form PA and they had been in the hot tub...but still. Awkward.

And they acted as if nothing were wrong. He still called her "honey" and got jealous when she talked about the carnies at the YMCA fair who were catcalling her, he still rubbed her back affectionately...and she still cut him down.

It was strange. But it was over and no one mentioned it.

When she would leave the patio he would shift uncomfortably and we could tell he wanted to say something, to tell us about it, but she was never gone for very long and nothing was said.

I gave him an extra long hug when we left because I'm sure I won't see him as often.

I genuinely love that man and have since I first laid eyes on him at the Pub, on a Wednesday night in 1999, since he first kissed my cheek and said, "You're beautiful," in French. If he asked me to fly to Vegas and marry him on Friday, I'd say yes. He is and always will be one of the great loves of my life.

Debbie still says she loved us together and wishes it had worked out (echoes of Tim, there). Yeah, me, too. He's a wonderful man and Lisa's silly to let him go. It was hard for me to be happy for him and Lisa at first but I only think about it once in awhile. Now I'm thinking about him all the time.

I guess I'm just a girl who likes to live in the past quite a bit. Who likes to remember all of the little romantic things that happened to her.

I think it's a lack of romance in my current life.

Sorry to wax all poetic but that's my Craig, that was us, this is what happening to him now and, yeah, I still love him a lot.

He could make naked eggs for me any day.