Chapter Two: Super Sperm @ Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003

I don't think my life could be any more fucked up. Well, I'm sure it could be but...well, you know.

I went in and Gerry took more blood. I feel like I know her now even though I've only been in twice to have blood work done. She told me her life story when I was there last time. I tend to do that to people - they want to talk to me about anything and everything. She attempted to peek at my chart, hoping to give me more information regarding what's going on in my own body but there were too many people around. She's just supposed to draw the blood and could get in trouble.

But she was able to tell me that, after I left on Thursday, the urine test did come up positive. Obviously they hadn't let it sit long enough. Wouldn't it have been nice if they had called to tell me that?

She also told me that my results were in on Friday.

I have to wonder when they were going to call me. I mean, the nurse said I was on the list to be called yesterday - Tuesday - when I called at one. They waited three days? I'm amazed. Again, the staff there really doesn't seem to care about my physical well-being. Or emotional well-being either. "Oh, she might be miscarrying...let's wait a couple of days before we let her know."

I will call them tomorrow to find out the results of today's test. Obviously, I can't rely on them to get the information to me in any timely manner.

It's odd, the way I feel. I mean, I think I'll be somewhat relieved if I am miscarrying but at the same time I feel such loss just thinking about it.

It's Tim's. I found that out due to some information given to me by Big...he never got around to telling me he had had a vasectomy (sp?) two years ago. I never asked, he said, so he never told me. It could be reversed so he didn't think it was important or whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm not even sure if I should tell him even if I find out it was a miscarriage.... He didn't really get it when I told him what was going on with me last week - pre visit to the ob/gyn. He immediately started bashing Big and didn't seem to realize that if Big really were sterile...the baby would be his. Ours.

So, part of me thinks I'm better off not saying anything. But then again I kinda want to warn him that he has Super Sperm. I was on the pill after all.

Just a big fucking mess and I shouldn't worry about anything until tomorrow.

Anyway, I had lunch with Mom today. Met her in the park. I had already decided not to tell her anything and I didn't but I did break down and start crying. "I'm just fucking sick of everything," I said. And I am. The past three months have been Hell. Finding out about this job and trying to move in such a short period of time...more Hell. The stress of not having a period, getting a random smattering of positive and negative pregnancy tests and the runaround from my doctor...even more Hell.

I quickly changed the subject, though, and started talking about my new apartment and the little patio where I'll be able to put a table and chairs, where I can sit and read on a beautiful fall day here very soon. I really look forward to that day.

She actually hugged me goodbye and kissed me on the cheek. She never does that. I cried the whole way home.

And I just don't feel like packing but I promised myself I would get the hall closet, the laundry closet and the bathroom done today. That way I'll only have some pantry stuff and my bedroom left to finish.

Wish I could just crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep....